Let’s face it: As black women, we have a lot pressure put on us to be strong, independent and strive for perfection. I know that not everyone’s experience is the same, but we can all attest to the societal pressure that black women feel to over-achieve in all areas.
For example, I graduated from a junior college a few weeks before graduating from high school. I went on to graduate from a 4-year university in 5 semesters. At the age of 20, I got my first career job just 4 months removed from college. 7 years later, I have a master’s degree, a career in media buying, this blog and a ton of other achievements. Not to mention, I do my best to keep up my outer appearance and I fully support myself. I love the Lord and I can cook. Not only do I take care of business outside of the home, but I keep things in order at home too. Most of my friends have very similar success stories. Some of them even do all of this AND raise kids at the same time. Single handedly, might I add. Everything seems to add up, right? Not really. We all have one other thing in common: Single.
When it comes to singleness, dating, relationships and marriage, there’s an overwhelming amount of black female millennials looking around like “Sis??? What TF is going on with these men?” In a society that glorifies cheating, polyamorous behavior and Instagram hoes, it often seems like the “good girls” don’t stand a chance. Yet, my experiences in my own dating relationship got me thinking about things from a completely different perspective recently. After facing a situation that caused massive turbulence between my beau and I, I had to do a LOT of self-evaluation. What I discovered buried deep under my anxiety and depression was unnerving, but ultimately opened me up to a journey that I had been avoiding taking…Until now.
I realize now that even though an overwhelming amount of black male millennials “be on that bullshit,” there are still tools and lessons that some of us brown babes missed. The way I see it, after the Crack Epidemic of the 1980s and the massive attempt to destroy black families by locking up black men for petty crimes, black women were forced to carry our culture on our backs. We had to be the best at everything. Our ride or die nature forced us to be all things, for all people and we’ve exceeded that. Here’s the thing: we never shook the masculinity that was forced on us. We’ve been the HBICs for so long and we’ve been running ever since.
On the other hand, that same monstrous epidemic affected our brown brothers completely opposite. Mothers, often afraid they might lose their sons to prisons or graveyards, coddled their boys as means of protection. They over indulged in showing “special” love to their sons, knowing that once they got into the world, that they would receive very little, if any at all. I can’t blame them, but similarly to us and our masculinity, our handsome, strong black millennial men have feminine tendencies that they’re not even fully aware of.
Now, we get into the territory of relationships and trying to move towards marriage, and for some reason, it’s like we’re struggling to pick up the ball, let alone get it rolling. During my time of self-reflection, I had to ask myself “Am I being too masculine in my relationship?” It sounds kind of funny, right? My outer appearance and behavior are as feminine as it gets, but my aggression towards achievement and my goals is as masculine as the strongest man on earth, not unlike my closest home girls. My goal of marriage is no different. That was my “ah-ha” moment. “Why am I Single? Is it me or him?” It’s both, sis. Maybe it’s not just men. Maybe it’s us, too. While I can agree that black men, especially, have more work to do and lessons to learn, we can only be responsible for ourselves. That was when I realized that I had a lot of work to do and it had to be done alone.
This is the beginning of the LIV Magical “Self-Series”. I’m coming clean about my struggles of self-acceptance, balance of energy and the undoing of my subconscious faux pas. I hope you’ll take this journey with me over the next few weeks. Please like, share and comment on this post. We have a lot to discuss and I’m interested in hearing, sharing and helping us get everything we want out of ourselves.
Until next time, stay strong and protect your magic…