This past weekend was eventful and uneventful at the same time. I did a lot, but it seems like I barely did anything. The things I managed to accomplish seem like great strides toward my goal of self-elevation, so I decided to document them and give my thoughts. If I’m going to do a “self-series”, it seems right to talk about the things and the thoughts that are (hopefully) bringing me closer to myself, so this blog post will be a little different than my usual posts. It’s long and it’s VERY transparent. Don’t judge me. Like Badu said, “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.”
I decided to take last Friday off from work to complete some errands. My original weekend plans ended up changing at the last minute, but looking back, it seems like things went the way they were intended. (Thank you, Universe.) My first task Friday morning was therapy. I usually go to therapy in the evenings after work, unless I’m having a mental breakdown emergency (you’d be surprised how often that happens, but my therapist is super cool about it.) This time, I started my day with therapy and honestly, it was refreshing AF. We talked about my anxiety with adventuring new social scenes to promo my blog, my rollercoaster relationship, and my mommy/daddy issues. Ironically, my weekend ended up touching on all 3 subjects back to back. The biggest take away was this: How am I handling myself in moments when I’m emotionally distressed? It’s not really about what I’m feeling, but more about how I react to what I’m feeling. If you know me (really know me), you know:
1. I’m zero to 1,000 if I’m pissed off. Working on it. *insert shrug emoji here*
2. I have the hardest times choosing my battles. I want to address all of it, on site.
3. Once I’ve reached my limit of hurt with a person, it’s pretty much over for you. I don’t want to see you, talk to you or be cordial. I’ll just completely shut you out. (Bye!)
Anyways, the doc suggested that I do more to NOT react when I’m feeling, but rather take the time to feel, process and THEN respond.
My original weekend plan was to accompany a friend to the beach for a wedding. I had planned on going, taking pics for the blog, socializing, clearing my head, and maybe write a little. The time came to confirm whether I was going or not and guess what I did? Cancelled. “Sorry! I can’t go because I’m sometimes socially awkward and would prefer to stay home and be complacent.” Lame. Luckily, my friend is super understanding and an amazing person overall. The emotion was fear of being uncomfortable. I need to get over that. What’s the worst that could happen? People don’t read my blog? Someone say it sucks and I’m a horrible writer? I have to hold a conversation with a stranger even though I don’t feel like talking? IDK. Whatever. On to the next thing….
Welp, later in a moment of what I like to call “piss-tivity”, I called my SO on Saturday night and instead of answering, he texts me back. That only fueled my bad mood and made me more upset. I called the nigga 10 times after that. I’m annoyed, so now you should be annoyed, too. Childish, I know. Like I said, I’m working on it. Mission? Not accomplished, although it didn’t get as bad as could’ve gotten. (I’m notorious for a “Show Up and Show Out” session.) Instead, I went home, went to bed, and felt better the next morning. I know exactly how to handle this going forward. So, mission SORT OF accomplished, I guess.
Sunday was Father’s Day. After many years of emotional turmoil and trauma, I’ve only ever referenced my grandfather on Father’s Day. He’s literally my EVERYTHING. He’s my best friend, my coach, my hero, and quite simply, my dad. He raised me and he’s responsible for the person I am today. This was the first Father’s Day we didn’t get a chance to talk because he’s out of the country on vacation! The silver lining is that he lowkey hates vacations, so I’m glad he went and I hope he’s having a great time. He deserves! So, this year it was just me and a heartfelt Facebook post that he’ll likely never see.
In contrast, I NEVER acknowledge my bio dad. We have a very strained relationship and I’ve had no plans on working on it. Well, plans change. If I’m working on myself, that means I should push myself to be better all the way around. I don’t get to pick and choose. Better is better. So, I sent a text. “Happy Father’s Day. Enjoy.” Dry as hell lowkey. He responded “Thanks,” and I kept moving. A few minutes later, he asked my plans for the day. I responded with a generic answer, told him I’d see him soon and moved on once again. What happened next took me by surprise. He hit me with an “I love you.” I waited. Then, I text back with an “I love you too,” rolled my eyes and then I felt it. Hot tears coming down my face. “LIKE GIRL??? No! Why are you crying? What are you emotional for? Ugh! Stop!” I tried to stop myself, but then I thought about it. Nope. Cry. These are happy and sad tears mixed. Stop trying so hard to not feel, and just feel it. At the end of the day, no matter what happened/happens, he’s still your dad and probably really does mean it when he says he loves you. He might not show it. The relationship might suck, but you’re still his kid. That means something. Mission? Accomplished. Not only was I the bigger person, but I allowed myself to feel, process and then react. Baby steps.
Moral of the long ass story? I’m a work in progress. The people I give my love to, are also works in progress. They’re trying to figure it out just like me. I can’t control their work or their process, but I can control how I respond to it. This seems to be especially true for the men in my life.
I hope you’ll take some time this week to stop, feel, process and then react in a way that is healthy to YOUR progress. Only you know what that looks like. I promise to do my best in doing the same. More updates (and transparency) to come.
In the meantime, stay still and protect your magic….