I changed my attitude and it changed my life…
A year ago, I was at my lowest. Ironically enough, I had everything I THOUGHT I wanted. I needed a career job, because DUH...degrees, so I went and got one. I spent the first 2 years of that job hating my life. I wanted love, so I asked for a man. I wanted someone with a heart like mine. That’s exactly what I got, too. On the plus side, those qualities included good looking, smart, charming, musical, fun, and mad funny. He was all of that. I didn’t, however, account for the fact that I was flawed like hell. I wanted a person who would mirror me, but it never occurred to me that the bad or lesser qualities would be reflected too. The brokenness, the insecurity, the fears and the selfishness were all there. That part didn’t hit me until way later and it was the blow that KO’d my ass. LOL! I wanted more friends. All my close friends lived away, so I made some “friends” where I was. Unfortunately, I’m not meant for girl groups. I’m a solo artist. The constant critique, judgement, negative thinking and superficiality became too much. I’ve never been the type to “fallout” with friends. If you’ll attempt to drag me when you’re mad, it’s a clear indicator that I can’t trust you when you’re not mad. Not to mention, there was a lot of value placed on the wrong shit. Money and luxury are cool, but not at the expense of your worth. The friends I had were more than enough, whether near or far, and they accept me for exactly who I am. NO CAP! My lifelong friends are built different and that’s what I’m accustomed to. These new girls put up with anything. So, ultimately, those relationships fell apart too.
I was fucking miserable, y’all. I had given everything else power over me, so my anxiety and depression was a direct result of that. I was in an emotional lion’s den. I battled demons every single day. Something had to change and the only thing I had left that I could control was my attitude. So I started there. I came into this year knowing that my caterpillar phase was coming to an end and I was headed to my cocoon. This period of personal isolation is necessary. I was having a hard time accepting myself for who I was because who I am is not popular or widely accepted. Here’s what I’m learning now…
People are people. That “potential” we see in others is actually spirit. It’s their soul and the soul is deep (usually… if you have one. No shade.) Think of it like a body of water. There’s shallow parts but there are deep, beautiful parts. Then, there’s that deep, scary part where all the shadows live. The body and mind is the container holding that water. The frame. That water only expands as far as its container allows. You have full control over the shape of your water. How far it expands and how deep it goes is up to you. Some of us are trying to force an ocean of spirit into a solo cup. Some of us are CHOOSING to be shallow. That’s cool, I guess, if you’re satisfied with that but I wasn’t. (Apparently, my spirit guides weren’t either because….whew chilay!) Either way, be a version of yourself that YOU can be proud of. Don’t worry about everyone else. That’s not why you’re here. Let people be people. You be you.
You are not responsible for how people treat you but you are responsible for how you treat others. Just because someone hurts you, doesn’t give you license to hurt back. Know that if you gave your best and got the worst results, that vengeance is not yours. Some karma is quick. Some karma is slow. Sometimes, you get to watch. Other times, you’re long gone. Either way, it’s served. Pray mercy for those who neglected you and sow more love into those that elevate you. Channel your hurt into things that heal. Then, glow THE FUCK up!!! Not because you want to spite someone else, but because you want to be free. Force all that spiteful energy into relentlessly pursuing your goals. Do it consistently and see what happens next.
Be fearless. What are you scared of? Why is being alone for a period of time scary? What’s so bad about not being accepted? Does rejection kill you? At this point, I’m questioning if I should even fear death. I’m slowly starting to not fear it. I know that the spirit that lives in me is too big to die. This body will go, but I’m here to stay. When you feel fear, ask yourself “Why?” I’m tired of being fearful. It is what it is. Welcome the things that challenge you, even if they kill you. When faced with adversity in any realm, I hope I go out like Cleo from Set It Off. Straight gangsta.
Release, forgive, love, repeat. Today, I decided that anyone who has ever hurt me is forgiven. My parents, my lovers, and my peers. There wasn’t this huge epiphany or anything. I was just driving to work, listening to music and reflecting. I just simply decided. We underestimate how fragile people can become from the things they experience at the hands of others. We are primal. No matter how we evolve, we are still animalistic. We’re in a constant battle with fight or flight. Vulnerable matters leave you open for attack, but that’s not a reason to not be vulnerable. Charge it to the skin you’re in. The beauty is that we have all the power in this. Release. Let that shit go. It’s weighing you down. If your anger or hurt were a fire, holding on to it is the fuel. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m fire all by myself. If treated properly, I provide warmth. If treated poorly….no bueno. Hurt really doesn’t look good on me. It’ll start a wildfire. (I’ll burn all this shit down! LOL!) So I’m learning to let it go. It’s a hard lesson and I still fall short sometimes, but I’m trying to improve a little everyday. I had to focus less on what happened and focus more on the intent behind what happened. It’s helping.
Darkness ain’t all bad and light ain’t all good. Very grammatically incorrect statement, but I need you to feel where I’m coming from on this. We would like to believe that being in the dark is a negative and being in the light is a positive. What we fail to recognize is that balance is the goal. You don’t know good without bad. Get what you can get on both sides, then find a comfortable place in the middle. Find balance. That’s where peace exists. Find something to appreciate on either side, then use it to center yourself.
I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with a friend a few weeks ago. We ate, drank a bottle of wine and had deep conversation about life, work, family and love. I complained about the ways I felt I had been treated in the past. I made excuses for my behavior being a result of that treatment. Even though he understood why I acted the way I did, he knew I was selling myself short and the only person at fault for that was me. He said, “Imagine you have a house and the last tenant abandoned it. So, you gut the house and remodel it. It’s now just about fully remodeled and it’s beautiful. The property value is extremely high now. You put that home on the market. There are people who are interested in making competitive offers for your home, but there’s one problem. The gate. You held on to this gate that is a rusty eyesore. It’s taking away from the overall value of the property, but you refuse to get rid of it. You did the work. The offer you want is just beyond you, but you won’t discard the gate.” My response? “Say less.” In that moment, I knew exactly what my gate was…. I’m in the process of tearing down that gate. What’s yours? When does reconstruction start? All you need to do is change your attitude.
If you see me out, know that I’m in a period of transformation. I’m still in my cocoon, but I promise you, that butterfly season is closer than you think. Until next time, be fearless & protect your magic…